We’re 14 weeks out from the NPC Southern Idaho Showdown. Why, at this point in my life, would I feel the need to do such a thing? I’ll tell you. Because I’m tired of being afraid. Oh, there’s no denying it. I’ve whined and cried. I’ve threatened to quit. I’ve come close to turning my car around on my way to the gym. I’ve wanted to turn the alarm off and skip the 4am workouts. But my desire to overcome fear is strong and so far, this desire has prevailed. I want to be fearless.
I have a lot to overcome. Here are some fears that cross my mind on a fairly regular basis:
- Fear of looking like I don’t know what I’m doing.
- Fear of being the weakest one.
- Fear of not being liked.
- Fear of not fitting in.
- Fear of looking fat.
- Fear of looking stupid at the gym.
- Fear of not being able to walk in 5” heels.
- Fear of not remembering the posing techniques and routines.
- Fear of looking like a dumbass on stage.
- Fear of tripping.
- Fear of not being able to see. You know… what about my glasses?
- Fear of not being able to make friends and build a “fit family”. I want one so bad.
- Fear of not looking like I’m supposed to look on May 24th.
- Fear of not knowing what to do on May 25th.
- Fear of not knowing what to do on May 26th.
- Fear of disappointing my coach, my trainer, myself, and my people.
- Fear of not being able to beat the fear.
Last Saturday was my first posing practice. So far, that has been the most difficult day of this entire journey. When I first learned about it, I felt a little nervous. Then, I found out I needed to wear a bikini. No way. My body is nowhere near bikini-ready. My trainer said everyone else felt the same way. I trust her completely. Next, I found out about the 5” heels and about came unglued. Are you fucking kidding me!? I have an arthritic big toe and I’m clumsy as hell. But whatever.
Saturday morning came. I needed to be at boot camp at 8am and posing at 9:30a. I ate, went to the bathroom, drank two cups of coffee, went to the bathroom, packed my next meal, went to the bathroom, then got ready to go. I woke my husband up and told him I was leaving, but that I may turn the car around halfway there and come home. His response, “what if it’s fun?” That thought had not even crossed my mind. I thought about it the entire drive while listening to Imagine Dragons “Whatever It Takes”. My mantra on that drive was, “I can do anything for two hours.” I survived. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but I survived. And, yes, I actually had fun.
Side note about the song. My daughter texted me a link to the song “Whatever It Takes”. She said I needed to listen to it because it made her think of me. That was enough to bring tears once I listened to the song. But she also said that she wants to be like this someday. There is nothing in the world that feels better than making your kids proud and knowing they believe in you. What she doesn’t realize, though, is that she is like that. My kids never give up either. They do whatever it takes every day. I digress.
Surprisingly, the diet hasn’t been a struggle for me. An extra lick of peanut butter is not an option. I’m not even a little tempted to cheat. I do get grumpy at times. But nothing is being forced on me. This is my choice so there’s no one to blame. I get over it quickly. So thankful my husband is patient and supportive. He’s my biggest cheerleader.
Meal prep takes a lot of planning and time, but there is no way to be successful without doing it. The shopping, the messy kitchen, the dishes, the smoke alarms that often go off because there are four burners going on the stove, and the smell that lingers from so many boiled eggs all become expectations. It’s all going to be worth it.
Since I’ve started talking more about my journey, my new lifestyle, this new culture I’m exploring, I’ve actually built quite a support system. For the most part, my people are on this journey with me. They’re curious and excited, which keeps me accountable. It feeds my strength and determination and, most importantly, it keeps the fears at bay.
When I think about where I was four months ago, at the beginning of this journey, and compare it to where I am today, I feel pretty empowered. I overcome a lot of the fears I listed above on a daily basis. Pretty soon, I will be fearless.